It Just Doesn’t Matter

I stared at a blank document for a while. I wanted to write something giving some sort of explanation for my constant lack of posts on this site. When I thought about writing, my anxiety monster yelled, “OVER SHARING IS GROSS!” Now that I’ve had the chance to ponder the concept for a little while, I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s fucking bullshit.

I’ve struggled for about 5 years or so trying to find my “purpose in life.” Peering from the outside in, I think theres probably a good chance that I appear to be pretty flighty and uncertain of myself… I’ve gone through a lot of phases. I worked in the design department of a company that could loosely be described as a tombstone factory, I considered changing careers to floral design but it ended up not panning out, left the design job to pursue a career in baking, all the while having constantly changing personal interests switching between illustration, fine art, sculpting, crocheting, stand up comedy, creating comics, jewelry art, custom greeting cards, and a few other things; all with endlessly changing styles. I wasn’t satisfied with anything I was producing.

At the beginning of 2015, I was putting in longer days than I had ever worked in my lifetime, upwards of 18 hours at a time with no breaks, constantly on my feet. It came to a head in April, leading to being terminated from the bakery, 100% due to my own actions, but said actions being a result of a short staffed and immensely improperly managed atmosphere. While frantically searching for another job, my grandmother passed away a few days prior to my 27th birthday. To say that I was crushed would be an understatement. While I was trying to catch up on rest that I had been missing, and coping with a loss that I didn’t expect at all, I still tried to make some form of art that felt satisfying. Some things came close, but nothing hit the mark like I had anticipated it would.

I managed to obtain a relatively low stress position at the beginning of June working 9-5 full time, which eased a bit of uncertainty, but still I was left feeling unsatisfied with my art. I kept questioning myself constantly; “How can this art be be applied to merchandise?” “Is this modern or relevant?” “If someone does want to buy something, how will i ship it to them?” “Will people get my pop culture references?” Even though I was left with a sour taste for pastry arts after being fired from the bakery, I still wanted to bake and develop custom recipes, but I was puzzled as to where it would lead, if anywhere, now that I wasn’t working in the field.

While trying out multiple artistic styles, trying to understand a completely new job with unfamiliar responsibilities, trying to bake even though I felt like a failure for losing my position, trying to keep up with other creative ideas for projects, an incident occurred at one of my favorite hang out spots that resulted in receiving a threat against myself and a few others that was serious enough to warrant police involvement.

To sum this all up, 2015 has been bad, really REALLY fucking bad. How does it relate to this site? It’s really kind of simple… I’ve overanalyzed myself into a fraction of the person I know that I am and could be. I couldn’t produce anything to be satisfied with for such a long time that I was starting to forget what confidence felt like, and it stretched out into my personal self-worth. I’ve always struggled with accepting myself and trying to understand what I actually WANT. I would attempt to post something and then immediately discouraged (just from the thoughts in my own head). Some might consider me a lifelong quitter, and I’d probably tell them they were right because for as long as I can remember I’ve never thought I was good enough at anything, or interesting enough to produce anything worth “following.”

After all that’s happened in the past 7-9 months including getting fired, losing my grandmother, fearing for my life and the lives of the ones that i love, and countless minor missteps along the way, I’m about due for a change.

I’ve always gone by the moniker of “Angie Laine Makes.” I responded well to the idea that I, Angie Laine, make THINGS, and I thought it’d be a clever name change not far from my own. Upon analyzing myself and my current situation, I think it’s never been more perfect or suiting to who I am. I put so much pressure on myself and what I wanted this and everything to be that I couldn’t ever actually PRODUCE anything. I’m 27, not old by any stretch of the word, and i’m still trying to figure it all out. This site is where I want that to happen, I think. It might be talking about design, it might be blabbing about a book or movie I’ve read or watched, it might be sharing a goofy drawing, or venting about the state of the world we live in. No matter what it is, it will be what I care about, and the things that help make me happy and producing the stuff that I love. Doing what makes YOU happy and sharing with others often times leads to their happiness as well.

I’m a giant fucking weirdo (And I’m madly in love with that fact), let’s be honest here…. I like lots of stuff. I want to do lots of stuff…. And I want to share it all with YOU. Now, normally my anxiety monster would be yelling at me saying, “NO ONE CARES, THEY’RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!!!” (Yeah, my anxiety monster is a lot like Carrie White’s mom…) but 2015 has taught me a lot… Most importantly:

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